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June 18

PATHETIC "F"

Last night ... June 17 ... about 5:30 ... heading West on the Mass Pike in Millbury ... 70mph in "bumper to bumper" rush hour traffic. A pathetic "F", one who clearly has no sense of self worth other than that achieved through aggressive driving, jams himself into the left lane, actually causing me to hit the brakes to avoid hitting him. I lay on my horn to express my displeasure, and the "F" slams on his brakes, forcing me to swerve into the shoulder to again avoid hitting him. Then of course I witness his exaggerated arm-flailing, similar to that made by an ape when it's disturbed in its cage, as if to indicate that he's somehow won a contest by endangering another motorist.

So let's recap:

a) "F" makes a wrong move.

b) I brake to avoid hitting him and hit my horn.

c) "F" makes another wrong move.

d) I swerve into the shoulder to again avoid hitting him.

e) "F" makes another wrong move (arm-flailing).

f) I take out the trusty cell phone and snap his plate which, of course, leads to more arm-flailing.

Once again the guilty make a feeble attempt to punish the innocent. What a waste of human life...

Hey "F" ... if you happen to read this blog entry (if you ever learned how to read, that is), do yourself and the rest of the world a favor: get a copy of my book and read that, too. I guarantee you you'll act differently as a result. If not, I'll refund your money.

4:55 PM GMT | Read comments(1)

May 22

WHERE DO THE WORST DRIVERS LIVE?

The answer? As someone who once lived there, this one's a no-brainer! Take a look ...

http://autos.yahoo.com/articles/autos_content_landing_pages/993/where-the-worst-drivers-live/

4:14 PM GMT | Read comments(0)

March 22

ROTARY PUBLIC

I was a passenger the other day, riding with a friend who I’ll allow to remain nameless. We approached a rotary (also known as a “roundabout”) and he nosed his way into the rotary even though it was already full of vehicles. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was exercising his right-of-way. When I tried to explain that vehicles already IN the rotary had the right-of-way, he argued that I was wrong because he was entering the rotary from the right.

Okay, kids, here’s the deal: the “right” in right-of-way means propriety, not direction. The right-of-way gives you the privelage of going first, irrespective of whether you’re coming from the left or the right.

People like my friend here are the same “F”s who walk into an elevator before the people already in the elevator have exited.

The doors are open but nobody’s home ...

12:29 PM GMT | Read comments(0)

March 15

IMPEDERS ... NOT "SPEEDERS"

Go to truTV.com, and this is what you’ll read about their new show “Speeders” http://www.trutv.com/shows/speeders/about.html:

Get behind the wheel and go coast-to-coast with America's Finest, as they pull over unsuspecting speeders in a high-octane show that captures real-life motorists at their worst and most-embarrassed. Chases, outrageous excuses, unbelievable confessions and unprovoked outbursts -- all caught on tape! It's an exciting and dramatic half hour series that's totally outrageous and often funny 'cause it's all 100% real. TV-14 D, L

My opinion? Once again, for the most part, the wrong population is receiving notoriety. Look, I would never argue that reckless driving is acceptable in any way. People who significantly exceed safe speeds should suffer the consequences.

But I do NOT agree that speeders should be labeled as the “worst and most embarrassed” culprits on the road. No, my new show would be called “Impeders”, which would read something like this:

Get behind the wheel and go coast-to-coast with America's Finest, as they pull over unsuspecting IMPEDERS in a high-octane show that captures real-life motorists at their worst and most-embarrassed. Inconsiderate people who pull out in front of you and then drive below the speed limit … who take up two parking spaces in a crowded parking lot … who cause traffic jams due to their rubbernecking … who leave their car at the gas pump while they go inside to “shop” – all caught on tape! And so on …

Picture this scene:

Officer: “License and registration.”
Culprit: “Here you go.”
Officer: “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
Culprit: “No, officer, how fast?”
Officer: “You were going 36 mph.”
Culprit: “But isn’t the speed limit 40?”
Officer: “Yes, but you were driving below the speed limit, holding up 15 cars behind you … I counted.”
Culprit: “But …”
Officer: “Your lack of consideration caused unnecessary stress to many of your fellow drivers, so I’m issuing you a time-ticket.”

Imagine a cop pulling someone over for weaving all over the road while text messaging. Or picture a ticket being handed out to the person who just stole the parking space you’d been waiting for. Embarrass people like that and I’ll be an avid viewer for life!

1:57 PM GMT | Read comments(0)

March 01

SPATTER UP! (orig. posted 1/28/09)

Driving through a city near my home yesterday, another car and I were following a garbage truck. This particular stretch of highway was loaded with frost heaves, causing the garbage truck to start spewing debris. Therefore the car ahead of me pulled into the left lane to pass, and I did the same. So far, so good, right?

Wrong!

The emasculate “F” in front of me became so intimidated by the garbage truck that he veered further left onto the highway shoulder causing HIS vehicle to kick up road spatter all over my vehicle instead.

Now where did I put my Tums?

9:57 AM GMT | Read comments(0)

REDUCING YOUR MORON FOOTPRINT (orig. posted 1/19/09)

Everywhere I turn, I seem to hear someone talking about reducing their “carbon footprint.” Well I’ve got a better idea … how about worrying about reducing your MORON footprint? Here’s a classic example:

I was following a left-lane hog the other day who was, as usual, matching speed with the right lane.

Then, after what seemed like an eternity, “F” #1 finally made his way clear of the right lane. And no … he didn’t move over. I gave this a few seconds, then entered the right lane myself.

Would you like to know what happened next? Well, the 2nd “F” in the right lane blasted me with his high beams!

If “F” #2 had any sense at all, he would have targeted his fellow moron in the left lane. But instead, he chose to display the immense size of his moron footprint.

9:51 AM GMT | Read comments(0)

PASS/FAIL GRADING OF THE HUMAN RACE (orig. posted 12/1/08)

I consider myself to be, for the most part, a good person. I don’t intentionally aggravate other drivers, I’m considerate, I’m careful, and I always act responsibly when driving along surrounded by two tons of metal. I happen to think that most of my fellow drivers share these positive values and habits. But I’m also someone who is regularly frustrated by clueless, inconsiderate, and downright aggressive drivers.

I realized one day, after years of coping with these idiots, that I had created my own exaggerated form of pass/fail grading, one in which the human race was separated into two and only two classes of people: good ones (Class-A) and bad ones (Class-F … I refer to them as “F”s, for short).

From my perspective, “F”s are responsible for everything that’s wrong with the world, especially on the road. The ridiculous antics of “F”s have made driving far less enjoyable for the rest of us than it used to be. Virtually every time I hit the road these days, an “F” does something so stupid or annoying that it makes me scratch my head in disbelief.

The media would have us believe that road rage has become a worldwide epidemic, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: reportable incidents of road rage behavior are extremely rare. Contrary to popular belief, people almost never use their vehicles as weapons … they almost never pull out guns or tire irons to vent their anger against other drivers … and even a mere exchange of words or the use of “hand signals” is extremely rare.

Then what’s the true epidemic? It’s the one I alluded to above … the millions of good people who sometimes feel “road rage”. I truly empathize with these poor souls who are forced navigate through the sea of “F”s every day, internalizing their frustrations all the while.

My goal here is to create an interactive, supportive “community of frustrated drivers” who can regularly provide “therapy” for each other. If you’re a good person but a frustrated driver, please join in!

9:18 AM GMT | Read comments(0)

CHRISTMAS "F"s (orig. posted 12/26/08)

What holiday season would be complete without an “F”-isode or two? Here’s a quick one … my nephew came out of the mall last week and found that an “F” had parked so close to his vehicle that he could barely open his driver’s-side door.

As much as I wish it weren’t the case, “F” encounters are inevitable. All we can do is ridicule them in our minds and move on. Or … expose them in a blog post!

(Photo submitted by Matt M. II)

9:42 AM GMT | Read comments(0)

"TRAFFIC" COMMENTARY (orig. posted 12/7/08)

A recent book on the trials and tribulations of driving is called Traffic, by Tom Vanderbilt. Clearly the man was a comprehensive researcher, evidenced by the fact that nearly a quarter of his book’s pages consist of footnotes. I’ve perused most of the book, and while somewhat informative, I found it to be not the least bit entertaining.

At the same time, an entertaining book without substance can be somewhat lacking as well. So I decided to pour through my own book to document its “substance”, and when I did, I counted 146 valuable driving tips woven into its “F”-isodes. My main motivation in writing my book was to turn anger and frustration into amusement and satire, but because of its breadth of content, in close circles it’s actually known as “Traffic – the funny version.” My commentary is brief, to the point, and illustrated, all intended to make it easier on the reader.

Back to Traffic … in some recent articles, there have been “revelations” attributed to Vanderbilt’s book that warrant some “Allan” commentary. Here goes:

More accidents happen on rural roads than urban streets. Allan: Um, yeah, because there are more rural roads than urban streets.
Most accidents happen on dry, clear days. Allan: … because, quite simply, most days are dry and clear. This reminds me of the old adage that says “most accidents happen in the home.” Of course they do … because most TIME is spent in the home!
“Rubbernecking” at accidents causes more delays than the accidents themselves. Allan: is there anyone out there who doesn’t already know this?
Rotaries are safer than ordinary intersections. Allan: This is pure common sense … by design, cars are forced to travel more slowly, hence more safely, in a rotary.
More city pedestrians are killed in crosswalks than when they jaywalk. Allan: Of course! … people pay more attention when they jaywalk, whereas they often foolishly picture an imaginary forcefield which will protect them in a crosswalk.
If a whole highway was traveling at 75 mph, it would actually be handling less traffic than if it were going at 60 mph. Allan: Nonsense! Sure, more cars would be ON the highway at the same time if they were all going 60 mph, but that doesn’t mean the highway would be HANDLING more traffic flow. FLOW is all that matters. The faster cars travel on a given highway, the more traffic flow that highway will handle in a given period of time.
Being a late merger is preferable. Everyone should do it. Allan: Okay … I finally agree with Tom on this one. When “F”s merge prematurely, others invariably continue to sail down the open lane until conflict is predictably created at the merge point. Everyone should merge ONLY when a lane drop ACTUALLY occurs, and not an inch sooner.

Vanderbilt’s book was well-done, the best of its kind in my humble opinion. I submit that if you liked his book, you’ll LOVE mine … and it’ll take you a fraction of the time to read and enjoy it.

9:41 AM GMT | Read comments(0)

COLORING OUTSIDE THE LINES (orig. posted 11/22/08)

When "F"s were children, they were lazy and careless ...

... and they still are!

(photo submitted by Dianna S.)

9:40 AM GMT | Read comments(0)

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